


(your're not the only one that's) Afraid of Change

by yuletide_archivist



Category: E.R.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-21
Updated: 2003-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:56:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1637720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A post-"Freefall" AU. Kerry, Susan, the Lava Lounge, and the holiday season.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(your're not the only one that's) Afraid of Change

**Author's Note:**

> Written for munky

 

 

 _Strings of street lights, even stop lights, blink a bright red and green_

The back of the cab stinks like cigarettes and spilled booze. Kerry rolls the window down as far as it will go and the cold air streams in over her face. Her leg aches; she shouldn't have been kneeling on the floor, but she can't take it back. Things are going to be weird between her and Susan now. Fuck. Maybe she should just blame it on rebounding from ex-girlfriends who cared more about their jobs than they did about their partners. Maybe she should just chalk it up to the 2-for-1 drink specials and forget about it. 

She tries not to think about the chopper and she tries not to think about guilt. 

At this she fails spectacularly, like always. 

_Dressed in holiday style_

"I dated a woman in college," Susan says, leaning over the sink to apply lipliner. "Six weeks of some of the best sex I've ever had." 

"Really," Kerry says dryly. Having women tell her about their college experimentations is nothing new. 

"Yeah." Susan grins. "Especially in the morning - no stubble." 

Kerry bites back the comment rising to her lips. It's late, she's dizzy with alcohol, and Susan looks even drunker than she feels. She's surprised Susan is managing to get that lipstick on straight. "Mm-hmm," she says noncommittally. 

Susan checks her teeth for traces of burgundy. "I think maybe I need another cosmo." 

"You're not driving?" She thinks about slipping her hands in Susan's pockets, looking for keys. 

"No, cab." 

"Good." Kerry pauses. "It's all false bravado, isn't it Susan?" 

Susan's hand starts to tremble and the tube of lipstick falls into the sink with a clack. Kerry wishes she could take it back and squeezes Susan's shoulder. "I told my folks I didn't want to go to Denver for the holidays because I'd be spending them with Chuck," Susan whispers. "And I still don't want to go because they're just going to feel sorry for me if I do and it'll just be a shitty time with them staring at me." 

She sniffs, and Kerry pulls her into an awkward hug. She can't think of anything to say so she doesn't speak. Susan clutches at her, sighing. She smells like alcohol and a sweet perfume sprayed on over the over-present hospital scent that they can never get rid of, and Kerry feels herself reacting to having someone so close. 

She smoothes Susan's hair behind her ears with her thumbs and says, "Don't cry, okay? You'll ruin all that makeup you just fixed." 

Susan nods and swipes under her eyes with a practiced fingertip. "Do I look like a racoon?" 

Kerry shakes her head. Susan smiles and leans in, drops a quick kiss on the corner of her mouth. "Thanks." 

_Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices_

At least the Lava Lounge has reasonably clean bathrooms, Kerry thinks as she leans back against the stall door to shut it. Susan's hand moves from her hip to the lock; there's a click and then her hand is back. You're both too drunk for this, chants the voice in Kerry's head. Susan hadn't gotten that next cosmopolitan. Her lipstick tastes like wax-coated berries and Kerry's world is spinning. Susan's mouth is hot and sweet and Kerry hasn't kissed anyone in weeks and it's. Nice. She thinks she wants this. 

They hear the bathroom door swing open. Susan's hands stop slipping under her shirt and Kerry stops sliding Susan's skirt up her thighs. Susan breathes against her cheek. 

Water running next, and then the hand dryer. Kerry slides Susan's skirt up another inch without making a sound. She wonders if Susan was telling the truth about the six week girlfriend. 

The door thuds shut and she reaches what she was aiming for. 

_The lights are turned way down low_

They stumble out of the bathroom together and Chen crooks an eyebrow in their direction. Kerry decides the bar is a better place than the table they had been gathered around, the table Susan's heading for right now. The crowd has thinned enough that she can cut across the dance floor. She orders another glass of wine and contemplates not dating for awhile. 

"Hey, we're going to head out," says Susan's voice in her ear. Kerry turns her head toward her, drains the last of the wine. "It's starting to snow and I want to make it home before it turns into that blizzard they're calling for." 

Kerry can vaguely remember hearing that on the morning weather report. "I guess that's a good idea." 

"You'll be in tomorrow?" 

"I'm sure something will occur to bring me down to the ER," Kerry replies with a wry smile. 

"I'll see you then," Susan says and squeezes her shoulder. "Goodnight," she calls as she and Chen head toward the door. 

Kerry waves and goes to find her coat. 

_Please have snow and mistletoe_

The cab stops directly in front of her apartment. There's someone huddled on the steps and Kerry tries to hurry to see but she's had too much to drink to move very fast. She hands the driver some cash. "Merry Christmas," he says, and speeds off. 

It's Susan, wrapped in her coat and shivering, but smiling. "Hi." 

"What are you doing here?" Kerry asks, knocking down an icicle with her cane and trying to get her back to the wind. 

"I was hoping you'd invite me in for some hot chocolate," Susan replies, standing, swaying slightly. Kerry reaches out and grabs her arm but she's not that steady herself. "I'll even drink Swiss Miss instant." 

Kerry chuckles and fumbles for her key ring to give herself a moment to think. Susan looks like she's trying not to look hopeful. 

Susan's a long way from Sandy and she's a long way from Chuck, and an even longer way from Denver. It wouldn't hurt, though. At long last she says, "Come on inside; I've even got marshmallows." 

 


End file.
